The Power of Positive Declassifying


“There doesn’t have to be a process, as I understand it. . . . If
you’re the President of the United States, you can declassify just by
saying it’s declassified, even by thinking about it.”

Donald Trump

There is a secret. And that secret is how to make top-secret secrets not secret anymore using only your mind. All that stands between you and doing this is embracing the power of positive declassifying.

Let others submit formal written declassification requests to the proper agencies. You are special. You are powerful. You are going to jail.

The first step is gratitude. Close your eyes—but also maybe keep one open for the F.B.I.—and say meaningful thank-yous to those whose service you will be betraying.

Picture each spy in your mind and thank them for their heroic and unsung work—whether it was long years spent pretending to be Vladimir Putin’s “sports masseuse” or a terrifying night in an Iranian nuclear facility spent replacing uranium with a slurry of crushed Cheetos and Mountain Dew.

Then, with your heart full of appreciation, hum—more of a flat “mm” here, as “om” is now considered a little appropriative—and visualize each agent you may be sending to an untimely death. Now chant, in your mind, I declassify, I declassify, with my mind, I declassify.

At first, you may not even realize that the documents have, just like that, been declassified. You may not yet know your own power. As I always say, “Just because you are an autocrat doesn’t mean you know a lot about autocracy.” You can now take the files to your personal residence, or turn them into papier-mâché lampshades to sell on Etsy.

But—poof!—just like that, what was secret is now not secret, all through the power of your beautiful, enormous, manifesting mind.

As you become more practiced in the power of positive declassifying, you will acquire the ability to declassify entire tranches of documents in a single go. At first, even one document containing the address and spouse’s and children’s names of a spy will feel like a lot. But, in time, you will be able to think of a foreign country and, just by remembering what people from there smell like, declassify all files relating to it.

Use these powers for good. As Gandhi said in one of his lesser-known speeches, on document security, “Be the leak you wish to see in the world.” Let people know about the actually pretty surprising country that obtained nuclear weapons all because of a FedEx shipping error. (Hint: It rhymes with “toast a zika.”) Why not make Americans aware of all the coups the United States has orchestrated around the world throughout the years, and what really incited the Will Smith slap? Unshroud the truth about Ted Cruz’s father, while you’re at it!

When your term is over, you will find yourself back in your own home or tax-minimizing resort. Had you not learned these tools of manifesting, you might well think to yourself, Oh, shoot, I can no longer declassify intelligence files, because, according to multiple federal courts, I “lost.”

But you must break free from this loop of negative thinking. Instead, you must learn the practice of positive retroactive declassifying. Think back to where you were standing when you still had the constitutional authority to declassify documents, and try to recall what you were feeling, even if you are emotionally blocked because of how your father was and, actually, that kind of explains everything. Now chant, in your mind, I ex-post-declassify, I ex-post-declassify. And, voilà, those documents will be back-declassified.

Never let anyone tell you that you can’t reveal incredibly fraught secrets. The true secret is that there don’t have to be secrets. Not if you learn to be the special master of your fate. ♦



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