Nation’s Armed Insurrectionists Say Biden’s Speech Hurt Their Feelings

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Calling President Biden’s recent prime-time address “deeply offensive and upsetting,” a group representing the nation’s armed insurrectionists has complained that the speech hurt their feelings.

The group, the National Society of Heavily Armed Insurrectionists, is one of the most prominent associations of insurrectionists and rioters in the country, experts say.

Harland Dorrinson, the executive director of the N.S.H.A.I., said that insurrectionists across the country watched Biden’s speech “in a state of profound distress.”

“Insurrectionists felt that Biden was really singling them out and bullying them,” he said. “The entire speech was extremely triggering from an insurrectionist point of view.”

Dorrinson said that he hoped that, in the future, Biden would “choose his words more carefully” and avoid saying things that might sadden America’s heavily armed insurrectionists.

“The media has offered a very distorted view of us,” he said. “They relentlessly show us storming the Capitol, using flagpoles to smash windows, and vandalizing congressional offices. But insurrectionists have feelings, too.”