Lesser-Known Nobility and Their Claims to Fame


Earl of Sandwich: Invented the sandwich.

Herr Hamburger: You already know.

Baron of Bologna: Confusingly, invented lox.

Laird Sundae: Penned the decree that a sundae comprises three or more scoops—any fewer is just a “little treat.”

Baron of Lox: Invented bologna. These people are crazy.

Marquis de Mayonnaise: Gets kickbacks from the Earl of Sandwich. Vacations on the Aeolian Islands.

Marquis de Sans-Condiment: Estranged twin of the Marquis de Mayonnaise. Won’t touch the stuff.

Baroness of Carpet: Possessor of the softest feet in the land.

Lady Fingers: The mastermind behind nail art.

Duchess d’Oven: Duc du Creuset got the patents in their divorce.

Sir Rup: Conducts all his business from atop a stack of Belgian waffles.

Crown Princess of Molding: Cannot abide mid-century modern.

Madame du Pain: Originator of purple nurples.

Countess of Kool-Aid: Has a copyright on bursting through walls and screaming, “Oh, yeah!”

Minister of Sinister: Constantly reminding you to update your will.

Viscount of Discounts: Thank him for matinée pricing.

Queen of Spleens: Owns numerous bathtubs perpetually full of ice, and nobody asks why.

Czar of Gnar: Catch him bombing sick hills at the finest ski resorts in the Ural Mountains.

Marchioness of Parsnips: Honestly, she’s sort of a bummer!

Vizier of Visine: Your mom can never tell when he’s high.

Duke of Having a Little Herb in Your Teeth: He may have invented it, but that one’s on you.

Prince of Those Pancake Machines You Always See in Airport Lounges: What a mensch. ♦


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