I’m a Personal Trainer and I Can Tell You Need Some One-on-One Attention

Hello! You—yes, you, the person desperately trying to avoid eye contact with me. Welcome to New York Fitness! Have I seen you at the gym before? I don’t think so. You look new—slightly uneasy, mildly confused, uncomfortably full from your last meal. Like a lost bear who rummaged through the trash at one too many campsites. You have a look that says, “I’m the type of person who keeps chocolate out of reach but then constantly gets up and walks over to it for more bites.”

What are you planning to do out there? The elliptical for twenty minutes? Gotcha, gotcha. . . . What resistance? . . . Resistance makes it too hard to focus while you watch “Better Call Saul”? . . . Gotcha. . . . Oh, no, nothing. It’s just that, ya know, not every day should be light cardio. Some days, it’s good to break a sweat. . . . Oh, you don’t like to sweat because you don’t want to have to wash your hair? Gotcha.

Hey, did you know that I offer private training sessions? They come in packs of twenty-five. We think of that as about two weeks’ worth. They’re expensive, but can you really put a price tag on not dropping dead at forty while eating leftover Chinese food, standing over the sink? Not that I’m saying you do that. I just have a feeling you do, though. Also, there’s some lo mein stuck to your shirt.

Besides, you look successful enough to afford private sessions! What did you say you do, again? A comedy writer—wow! That’s cool! What do you write for? Oh, no, I haven’t heard of that show. . . . No, I haven’t heard of that show, either. But I don’t really watch TV. I focus more on physical pursuits. Maddy at the front desk does standup comedy, though. I’ll make sure she stops you for a long conversation about it on your way out!

Those are some cool shorts you’ve got on. I haven’t seen Umbros in years. Didn’t know they still made them! . . . No way—they’re from high-school lacrosse?! No joke, I thought that extra hole at the crotch was just some hip design thing—something the kids are doing on TikTok. Gotta say, love how you don’t feel pressure to wear cute, high-end gym clothes like all the other women. No shame in wearing twenty-five-year-old shorts! But you wash ’em a lot, right? . . . Oh.

You want to work out on your own? Hey, that’s cool. I get it, I get it. Some people are just here to Netflix and chill. I’m going to follow you around and watch you do your thing, though, so that I’m ready to jump in whenever you decide you want to work out for real. In the meantime, did I mention that I also offer post-workout massage? It’s three hundred dollars for fifteen minutes, but that’s nothing for a successful television writer like yourself, right? What was that show you said you worked on again? . . . Nah. Never heard of it. ♦

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